Hot HeadĮating these little Alolan Q*berts grants Kirby the Fire ability, a solid buff with plenty of applications. Verdict: Skip the military tribunal and go for something less people-y, Kirbs. Despite how much their powers vary, are any of them really worth it? I mean, from a Dreamlander perspective, a Waddle Dee is literally just a guy. But while killing them in self-defense might sometimes be necessary, eating them feels a lot more like a war crime. They possess and yield a wide array of abilities depending on how they’re outfitted, so they get an average ability and difficulty score. Many are happy to help Kirby on his quests, while others sell their services to villains like King Dedede. Like any group of people, they’re far from being a monolith. Waddle Dees are the main denizens of Dream Land, analogous to the humans of our world. Verdict: While it’s probably fine to eat them, Kirby’s efforts are better spent elsewhere. Squeakers hit the lowest scores all across the board. That said, while Kirby can technically suck them up, they offer no copy abilities at all. They’re cute and cuddly with almost nothing in the way of destructive capabilities, so they’re more of a nuisance than anything, and eating them could be considered a form of pest extermination. Squeakers are basically the mice of Dream Land. With our metrics set, let’s go through a few of Kirby’s favorite morsels and rate each criterion from 0 to 5 in an effort to build a solid dietary regimen for our favorite friend-shaped vacuum. K = 0.1-0.9 - Kirby should not be eating this!!! K = 2-4 - Kirby should be eating this fairly often K = 4-5 - Kirby should be eating this at every opportunity A lower one, where the difficulty and cost far outweigh the ability score, means Kirby might want to take a long, hard look at what he’s about to eat, and maybe go with the cauliflower rice instead. In each case, these variables can be plugged into the equation for the Kirby Quotient (original concept do not steal):Ī higher K-score indicates a greater likelihood that Kirby should indeed be eating that. Kirby’s supposed to be saving Dreamland-dooming it to starvation or worse would kind of defeat the purpose. In some cases, such a loss is negligible in others, the loss of a nonrenewable resource can have serious ramifications for society. Cost to Society ( S): Eating something removes it from the world.If an object is too difficult to consume, the ability may not be worth the effort. In general, difficulty increases proportionally with size, toughness, and the presence of hazardous materials. Difficulty of Consumption ( D): This metric isn’t always easy to quantify, given that Kirby’s ability to swallow stuff is always getting a zany upgrade.Under no circumstances should one ever consider Kirby incorruptible entire civilizations have fallen for less.) In practice, this is a dangerous assumption. (Note: For the purposes of this exercise, it must be assumed that Kirby will be using his powers for good. Abilities can be situationally useful, so versatility is important in this calculation. A powerful enough copy ability can make nearly any other consideration moot in comparison. Abilities Acquired ( A): This is the payoff, the entire reason for Kirby’s ruthless predation.In an effort to quantify it, I’ve developed a few key criteria to apply to each individual instance of Kirby-snacking: This is a question with no simple answer, one for which a consistent utilitarian calculus must be applied. That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to address that age-old question: Should Kirby be eating that? The Criteria The newly minted “Mouthful Mode” sees Kirby devouring some of his most unusual victims to date, leading to some serious concerns about the extent of his increasingly Lovecraftian abilities.īut (to paraphrase Ian Malcolm) while we spend our time asking whether Kirby could, theoretically, absorb anything from bacterial colonies to entire worlds with his insatiable cosmic appetite, perhaps the more pressing question is whether he should. The franchise has yet to explore this consumption compulsion in much detail, and gameplay footage from Kirby’s upcoming outing, Kirby and the Forgotten Land, raises far more questions than it answers. In case you’ve forgotten, Kirby copies his opponents’ abilities-not through photographic reflexes or technological replication à la Mega Man, but by completely devouring them. Over the years, notorious vore balloon Kirby has had his fill of enemies, and I do mean that literally.
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